Why is Assertiveness Hard to Learn?

Of all the skills that are taught by SFT, assertiveness appears to the most difficult to learn.  Unlike conventional wisdom that thinks assertiveness is being blunt or aggressive, it actually is getting needs met without offending others. Sometimes a student comes into a session and expresses how he was assertive.  When he explains what they told the other person, it is not assertive at all.  In fact, it turns out to be very aggressive.  This is due to several factors: lack of humility, no memory of the disarming statements, and not breaking the statement into smaller steps.

 First, humility is not looking to ones own interests, but also the interests of others (Phil 2:3-8).  If a person is only interested in his own needs, then he will speak in a way that comes off as being aggressive.  When a person lowers the me factor, it puts him into a position to be able to speak in a manner that will keep another person’s needs and feelings in mind.

Second, a person who wants to be assertive will never acheive this when he plays games with learning the disarming statements. These statements are:

1. Compliments
2. Agree/acknowlege
3. Aplogize
4. Ask for help

One or more of these four statements should always start the assertive statement.  When the struggling student is asked what disarming statement he used, it turns out he did not use one.  These four statements are easy to memorize, and must be memorized for use in a potential conflict.

Third, the student who struggles with assertiveness tends to attempt to make the entire statement at once.  There is an old adage that asks, “How do you eat an entire elaphant?” The answer is one bite at a time.  Assertive statements must also be made one part at a time.  First decide on what disarming statement is appropriate for the situation. Then state the need for the situation.  By breaking the sentence into smaller parts, the  student can make the assertive statement with ease.

For the student who struggles with assertiveness, these tips can help tremendously.  Remember that once this skill is mastered, it allows the student to take control of the situation.  Those who do not develop the discipline to master this skill will find the same results they always have.  Coming off as aggresive and mean, or just not getting needs met at all.